I loved you then, I love you now

There is a certain feeling derived from being part of an entwined group of souls. After spending nearly five years steeped in the adventures, dramas, and moments of complete abandon that my friends seem to create out of thin air, it is so difficult to settle into adulthood. Everyone is growing up and spreading out. We think through our decisions thoroughly now, quieting the chances of making mistakes - mistakes like the ones that taught us to be who we are, mistakes we look back on and feel deeply about. We are responsible, staying home on school and work nights, not drinking too much, not driving fast on dark empty streets or climbing wet rooftops to see the stars. Long gone are the 5am naps on the beach, waking up to sunrise and looking into the eyes of someone close to you to realize they are now so much closer….

These moments, these relationships, hold so tight to my soul that I am genuinely pained to see them fading…friends and lovers, often both, we see each other now and catch up. The flame is still burning though, we hold each other’s glances in a way none of the new kids can. Even the girl that took my place can’t begin to understand the language in those looks…and this frustrates her. I want to tell her that she doesn’t belong there, with them….with him…..but what have I become? My presence has been fleeting these past 2 years, I abandoned them not knowing what I was giving up…the last couple years of our youth. The last years of our era. The younger patrons start trickling in, infiltrating our favorite spots, leaving their marks on top of ours just as we did when we came in. In 2 more years we’ll all be a memory, just another graduating class of this home away from home. The walls will still hold pieces of our golden years, and stories of our exploits will trickle through the moistened lips of youth as they take in the spirit and character of their predicament. But where will we be?

All the things we thought would happen by now….New York, Wall Street, Hollywood, Nashville….lives as musicians, actresses, doctors, tycoons, lawyers….finally getting each other - marriages, families, children….not one of us has achieved any of our goals. We just sit around the table - one less person every month or so - recounting our epic tales, debating our present, fantasizing our futures…all the while looking at the bodies we’ve loved, the souls we’ve bared, and feeling the dialogue of desire begging to roll off our tongues….

but instead, we push it down and push it into the corner of thoughts we shouldn’t think or tell ourselves that we got hurt before we’ll get hurt again, anything to keep from acknowledging that we still want each other just as recklessly as ever, that we still ache to be right where we were for so long…

At least, we were all aware that those were the times to remember. Perhaps that’s what made it so gorgeous - everyone knew it was the time of their lives, and people would just stop and soak it up, draw the scenes into memory, and return to the moment so full of life and ready for the next great debacle. Everything felt so much deeper then, and we knew that someday we wouldn’t be capable of it anymore. We knew that we were right in the middle of everything, young and wild and free.

I keep trying to pretend it isn’t coming to an end, but there is no fighting it. The whole world is less exciting at this age and the only feelings that still compare to those days are the ones that were grown in them. Those people will always be with me, hiding somewhere to cheer me up or remind me of the brightness of young lust, or the bravery of wildness. Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to call them to mind when I need to and use them to shape this life I’m about to step in to. Take a little piece of tinder with me…set the world on fire.

I don’t want to work…

I want to write.

and paint.

and dance.

and read.

and learn.

and breathe.

and love.

I want to sun bathe.

and roller skate.

and climb trees.

I want to be radiant.

and satisfied.

and free.

………………..it really isn’t quite fair how much of a life is stolen by the need for money. money money money….if I could just, get out…way out…after awhile, not having amenities might not be so bad, after awhile,  you adjust. You can adjust to anything. Anywhere…even this entrapment.